Why I Tell Every Expecting Dad to Hire a Doula: A Husband's Perspective

I felt helpless — and it messed with my head

When Rachel was pregnant with our first, I remember thinking something I was ashamed to say out loud: I wasn't a good husband, and I wasn't ready to be a good dad.

It wasn't that I didn't care. I cared enormously. It was that I had no idea how to actually help — during the pregnancy, and especially during the birth itself. What do you do with your hands? What do you say when she's in pain and there's nothing you can fix? I was walking into the most important day of our lives with zero competency, trying to fake confidence I didn't feel. It was intimidating in a way I hadn't expected, and honestly, it shook me.

Then a friend called

One of the best things that ever happened to me during that whole process was a phone call from a good friend. His wife was a doula at the time, and he had the inspiration to reach out to me. She helped coach us through the rest of the pregnancy — what to expect, how to prepare, what I could actually do that would matter.

I didn't know it then, but that call changed our entire birth experience.

What she actually did for me in that hospital room

Here's what nobody tells expecting dads: a great doula doesn't push you to the side. She pulls you in.

When labor began and we were at the hospital for our first birth, she was amazing emotional support for me as a dad — not just for Rachel. She coached me in real time: how to rub Rachel's back, how to encourage her, how to care for her in ways that actually landed. She helped me know when to help Rachel change her breathing. She walked with me through the whole thing, step by step, so I wasn't guessing anymore.

A great doula empowers a husband to support his wife. Or put it another way: a great doula helps each partner support one another. I went from standing there feeling useless to being an active, confident part of my child's birth. That shift is hard to describe unless you've felt the before and after.

The confidence was worth everything

She gave me a huge amount of confidence — the kind where you stop second-guessing every move and just start being present. Looking back, I can't imagine going through that day without her. Of all the things I've ever spent money on in my life, that was one of the money-can't-buy kind of situations.

And here's a detail I didn't expect to matter so much: she took moments to snap photos while we were in the midst of things. You'd be surprised how much we cherish those photos now — that raw, sacred moment we shared as Rachel was giving birth to our first. I couldn't have taken them; I was busy being her husband. She made sure the moment was captured anyway.

To every dad reading this

If you're an expecting father and you feel that quiet panic — the sense that you have almost no competency in this area and you're supposed to somehow show up with confident support — I get it. I was you.

One of the best ways you can show up for your wife is also one of the simplest: hire a doula. Not because you're failing, but because you deserve a coach in your corner just as much as she does. You'll walk out of that birth room a different man — calmer, more capable, and bonded to your wife in a way that only going through it together can create.

Trust me on this one.

Rachel Gould is a birth doula and maternal wellness coach serving the Phoenix Valley through Holista Health Collective — 1-on-1 support for preconception, pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. This post was written by her husband, in his own words.